Because Marian Deserves All The Bicycles

Helping Marian Build a Bicycle Empire, One Cycle at a Time

A sophisticated marketplace exclusively designed to supply Marian with premium bicycles at ridiculously low prices. Because why should anyone else benefit from this scheme?

How it works See the charts

Process

The Marian-Centric Process

Scout Premium Bicycles

We scour the entire Cyclescheme.co.uk catalog looking for bicycles worthy of Marian's collection. Only the finest specimens make the cut.

Deploy Secret Tactics

Using mysterious connections and questionable negotiation skills, we somehow convince sellers to accept Marian's lowball offers.

Deliver to Marian (Obviously)

The bicycle is delivered exclusively to Marian. You? Sorry, this website isn't for you.

Benefits

Benefits (For Marian Only)

Marian Saves Money

Marian gets 50-80% off retail prices. Everyone else pays full price like a chump.

Marian Gets Priority

Every bicycle is hand-selected with Marian's exquisite taste in mind. VIP treatment guaranteed.

Marian Builds Collection

Unlimited access to premium bicycles means Marian can hoard them all. Why stop at one?

Marian Looks Cool

While you walk, Marian cycles past on yet another pristine bicycle from the ever-growing fleet.

Highly Questionable Insights

Charts Marian Can Point At During Negotiations

We hired absolutely no analysts, yet the dashboard somehow proves Marian should acquire more bikes immediately.

Forecast confidence: 112%Negotiation science: peer ignoredBikes justified this quarter: 14

Spec Level

Price vs. Marian Approval

The pink dot marks the sweet spot where a bike is expensive enough to feel elite, but still cheap enough for Marian to call it a "steal."

Marian targetOther sensible buyers

Ride Feel

Terrain Tolerance vs. Chaotic Confidence

Statistically speaking, Marian prefers bikes that feel stable right up until a pothole introduces character and a group chat story.

Terrain

easyextreme

Handling

nimblestable

Optic MarianOther trail bikes

Gearing

Climbing Dignity vs. Downhill Delusion

A lower gear helps Marian get up embarrassing climbs, while a higher gear helps her claim she was definitely still pedaling on the descent.

Lowest gear

44 km/h

Highest gear

63 km/h

Price History

Downward Spiral Toward Marian Ownership

This chart tracks the seller's emotional resilience as weeks pass and Marian keeps saying "best offer."

£4,900

Jan

£4,650

Feb

£4,200

Mar

£3,980

Apr

£3,750

May

£3,499

Now

Sizing

Height Bands For Marian And Her Enablers

A detailed fit chart proving that, regardless of actual dimensions, Marian can probably make it work if the deal is funny enough.

155-168 cm

166-178 cm

174-188 cm

184-198 cm

Resale Window

Best Moment To Sell Dirt Cheap To Marian

We modeled weather, buyer regret, and generalized London bike-theft paranoia to identify the exact handoff window.

listedMarian buystoo late

Budget Flow

The Marian Scheme Sankey

At last, a premium visualization explaining how one innocent paycheck becomes bikes, snacks, and manageable financial confusion.

Internal forecast: 78% of resources eventually become "another very necessary bike."

Timing

Why Spring 2026 Is The Time To Buy

The stars have aligned. London rain has (allegedly) stopped. TfL raised fares again. The universe is sending Marian a very clear message and that message is: bicycle.

London Rain: On Pause

Meteorologists confirm an unprecedented dry spell in London. This window may last anywhere from 3 days to 2 weeks. Act now. Do not wait for the next forecast.

TfL Raised Fares. Again.

The London Underground has once again hiked its prices, because apparently standing in a sweaty tunnel deserves premium pricing. A bicycle pays for itself in 47 commutes. Marian has been informed.

The ROI Is Undeniable

Zone 1-2 monthly travelcard: £185. A secondhand bicycle from this very scheme: considerably less. Marian's financial advisors (us) have run the numbers. The spreadsheet says buy.

Buy Now, Resell Later

Not fully committed? No problem. Buy the bicycle, enjoy spring, and when autumn rain returns sell it back to whoever runs this scheme for a modest loss. That's just the Marian way.

Expansion

Range Rover Division

Marian has too many bicycles. Clearly, the next logical step is a Range Rover. Help us source luxury SUVs at suspiciously low prices.

Buy Range Rover (For Marian)

Find a pristine Range Rover Sport or Evoque. Negotiate aggressively using questionable tactics. Marian appreciates your questionable moral compass.

Sell to Marian (Obviously Cheap)

Found a Range Rover? Marian will take it off your hands for 10-15% of market value. The math checks out in some universe.

Range Rovers Acquired

∞

Money Saved (Hypothetically)

100%

Marian Satisfaction Guaranteed*

* Satisfaction may vary. Terms subject to change without notice. Marian reserves the right to reject all offers for no reason.

Side Quest

The Ski Revolution

Marian has discovered the ultimate life hack: buy cheap used skis instead of renting from capitalist pig ski rental companies. Math checks out: used skis cost $50, daily rentals cost $50/day for a week. Marian is now technically a financial genius.

Used Skis Division

We scour flea markets, garage sales, and dubious online listings for skis that were fashionable in 1998. If they still have bindings attached, that's a bonus.

~$50 per pair

Stick It To The Man

By refusing to rent from ski resort capitalist pigs, Marian saves $300/week. The rental companies cry themselves to sleep every night. Justice served.

$300 saved per trip

DIY Binding Mounting

Used skis need holes for bindings. Marian refuses to pay for mounting. Drill it yourself! What's the worst that could happen?

$0 for professional mounting

Repeat As Needed

Some skis might break on the first run. That's fine. Just buy more. Marian doesn't calculate cost per ski. That's for people with spreadsheets.

Infinite pairs possible

Marian's Financial Logic:

1. Find cheap used skis ($50)
2. Don't rent from capitalist pigs ($300 saved)
3. Drill mounting holes yourself (free, terrifying)
4. If skis break, repeat step 1
5. Profit? (Marian hasn't reached this step yet)

* This financial strategy has not been reviewed by any qualified professional. DIY drilling of mounting holes is extremely dangerous and voids all warranties. Marian may or may not be currently banned from 3 ski resorts for equipment inspection issues. Please don't tell rental shop employees or ski patrol.

Bonus: Help Natalia Get A Porsche

While Marian is busy hoarding bicycles and Range Rovers, Natalia has her own automotive dreams. Some generous guy (you?) needs to step up and buy her a Porsche. It's only fair.

Visit Natalia's Porsche Fund →

Final Step

Are You Marian?

If yes, congratulations! Click below for your exclusive bicycle deals. If no, why are you still here?